Who's Your Famous Enneagram Personality Doppelgänger?

One of my goals in writing this blog is to bring the Enneagram down from an intangible spiritual concept and into a more approachable realm, and show how it applies to the real day-to-day world we live in.   The Enneagram can seem a bit heady, academic and even arduous.  But it can also be fun, interesting and playful, too.  Because there is so much tugging for our attention in these busy, complicated times, I find myself needing to engage in some low-brow activity, like flipping through pages of US Weekly or taking one of those "Which 90's Sitcom Character are you?" quizzes on Facebook.  So, in that vein, spin the wheel and find out "Who is your famous Enneagram Personality Dopplegänger?"

Are you…

 

principled and responsible, 

focused on making the world a righteous place, like Nelson Mandela?

nurturing and generous,  

focused on helping those in need, like Princess Diana?

hard-working and successful, 

focused on inspiring hope in others by all that you do, like Oprah?

passionate and empathetic,  

focused on making your unique mark on the world, like Johnny Depp? 

thoughtful and detached,  

able to express keen observations of the world, like Daniel Day Lewis?

warm and witty, 

focused on championing others, like Ellen?

bright and optimistic, 

set out to experience the adventures life has to offer, like Goldie Hawn?

confident and in control, 

with an insatiable, unquenchable lust for truth and life, like Lucille Ball?

peace-loving and inclusive, 

focused on uniting the world regardless of differences, like Abraham Lincoln?

These examples are drawn from Tom Condon's The Enneagram Movie and Video Guide, which I've also adapted and are included in my materials for my Introduction to the Enneagram Workshop.

Elizabeth Elkins, MFA, Certified Enneagram Consultant with Art of the Enneagram offers individual and group sessions, as well as workshops.  If you’re curious about how the Enneagram functions in your life, schedule a Discover Your Type session today.  Or sign up here to tune into the weekly blog and to hear about upcoming events.

Risking to Blossom

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.  -Anais Nin

About two years ago, I was on my way to perform in a play, walking through Central Park on route to the theatre.  At the time, I was reading Debbie Ford’s The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, which is about embracing all of who you are, including the “negative” or “undesirable” aspects and reclaiming your wholeness.  I started to look at the people I was passing and decided to play a game.  I would look at them and utter in my head, “I am you and you are me.”  It started off funny, imagining these people of different shapes and sizes as myself, and me as them.  But then, something amazing happened.  I could see it, I saw myself in the eyes, in the gait, in the expression of men, women, young, old, black, white, short, tall.  And I saw them in my proud walk, the fear behind my gaze, the expectation in my face, and the sound of my laughter.  I felt like I was not alone.  In some ways, I felt a higher aspect of myself emerge.

The Enneagram is a tool to help us understand others and ourselves in our life.  It brings up how we stand in our own way and the challenges each of our personalities may present.  And it’s also about the higher qualities of self that are available to each of us when our ego is not running the show. 

In honor of springtime, and as the buds are starting to emerge and blossom into flowers, what aspects of your higher self can you reclaim?  I’ve put together a list of the Nine Enneagram Types with their higher quality and virtue, followed by some questions and suggestions where your essential self is invited to arise.

1 Perfection / Serenity

In what way is life already perfect?  What is a “should” you can drop from your expectations?  Can you grant yourself a pleasure for pleasure’s sake today?  Is there a feeling or a thought, that you don’t feel safe expressing because it is “unacceptable?”  Can you express it in a way that wouldn’t be harmful to yourself or others?  For example, can you go to a boxing gym or can you express your “ugly” thoughts in the form of a sonnet?

2 Freedom / Humility

Can you spend some time alone today nourishing yourself and replenishing your well?  What is one need you can ask to be met by a loved one? The next time you reach out to help someone, can you check in with yourself beforehand and have a little conference about what you can realistically give without depleting your own resources?

3 Hope / Honesty

Today, can you slow down and be present with one of your tasks on your to-do list?  Are you able to do just enough and no more?  Can you identify one real feeling that arises when you slow down or cut back on your workload?  Can you feel your self-worth through a way of being and not doing?

4 Authenticity / Equanimity (Balance)

In what area of your life, do you feel like you completely belong?  Can you catch yourself when your attention goes towards what is missing and can you gently invite yourself back to the present moment and notice what is real and alive in the here-and-now?  Can you get into your body by going for a run or express your creativity by making a greeting card for a loved one?

5 Omniscience / Non-attachment

Can you participate in a way today that allows for real feelings and desires to emerge without attempting to detach from your experience?  Is there a person or an aspect of your life that you are avoiding for fear of being intruded upon?  How can reveal yourself to them while maintaining your fullness?  For fun, can you go out in the world today and occupy a little more physical space, wear a brighter color that might attract attention, and act as a witness to what emerges?

6 Faith / Courage

Is there a physical practice you can engage in today, like yoga or tai chi, someplace where you can quiet your mind and sense your natural courage in your body?  Can you change your “Yes, but…” to “Yes, and…” while moving into the unknown with the faith that you can face it?  What’s a spontaneous activity you can engage in without assessing the consequences? 

7 Work / Sobriety

Where is one commitment that you can follow through on today?  Instead of multi-tasking, can you choose to do one thing where you can stay the course from the beginning through the middle to the end?  And when it seems to bore you and bring up feelings that aren’t pleasurable, can you still come back to your one task at hand?  Do you feel the satisfaction that arises from completion and follow-through?

8 Truth / Innocence

If you find yourself gearing up for a fight today, can you let in the possibility that your “opponent’s” truth is just as valid as yours, and instead of bulldozing them with your argument, can you open your ear to hear them out?  Can you take your inner child out on a date today, to a park or a museum where you allow your curiosity and innocence to emerge?

9 Love / Right Action

How can you lovingly prioritize your own agenda?  If there is a task you need to complete, can you see it through to the end, without getting distracted by inessential activity?  Can you put yourself on a pedestal today, reigning as the Queen or King you are, making the rules and decisions and asking others to fulfill your own desires, wants or needs?  

Elizabeth Elkins, MFA, Certified Enneagram Consultant with Art of the Enneagram offers individual and group sessions, as well as workshops.  If you’re curious about how the Enneagram functions in your life, schedule a Discover Your Type session today.  Or sign up here to tune into the weekly blog and to hear about upcoming events.

What's in a Name?

What’s in a name?  That which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet

-Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet

I’m a sucker for good names.  I actually keep a (long) list of potential baby names on my notes app and update it whenever I hear another one I like.  My current favorites: Liberty and Valentine Xavier.  Concurrently, I’ve been debating about my business name for sometime and Enneagram New York City didn’t seem to fit just right.

Whereas it’s true that I live in New York City, and am currently building a community of Enneagram Enthusiasts here, I offer my services nationally, and ultimately envision the business having a Global Reach.

I also believe it’s important to choose a name that captures what the business is about.  The services I currently offer and intend to provide in the future are geared towards making the Enneagram a part of your daily life, showing how it is applicable to your own personal development, as well as in regards to your relationships, and even in the workplace.

When people ask me: What is the Enneagram?  My go-to playful response is: If yoga and psychotherapy had a love child, it would be the Enneagram.  It’s a process of self-discovery, a practice of mindfulness, and a journey of compassion.  It serves as a map to understanding yourself and others in your life.  It provides a framework to transform your life.  It’s difficult to define because it is both complex and fundamental.

Then it hit me yesterday.  I’m changing the name of my business to: Art of the Enneagram.

Art, as defined in The New Oxford American and the World English Dictionaries means the following.

art (noun)

·      the expression or application of human creative skill

·      the skill at doing a specified thing, typically one acquired through practice

·      method, facility, knack

The Enneagram is not a quick fix; it’s not a magic pill.  It can be, however, the most effective tool to make lasting changes in your life.  As my teachers in the Narrative Tradition taught me, what the Enneagram requires is intention, attention, repetition and guidance.  When you make it a practice, like yoga, you start to peel away the layers of habits that no longer serve you, and blossom into the person you’re meant to become. 

I thought it would be fun to take a look at the names of the nine Enneagram types, as they each have variations.  I say, choose whichever one you think/feel/sense captures you the most.  

Elizabeth Elkins, MFA, Certified Enneagram Consultant with Art of the Enneagram offers individual and group sessions, as well as workshops.  If you’re curious about how the Enneagram functions in your life, schedule a Discover Your Type session today.  Or sign up here to tune into the weekly blog and to hear about upcoming events.

Curiosity, the New Hat

 

I feel stuck, a wave of inaction has crashed over me and now I feel paralyzed, prey to resistance and scared.  Why am I weighed down?  I have a whole list of excuses and reasons, but when it gets right down to it, I think it’s procrastination born out of perfectionism.  I know this story well.  I feel safe in its sluggish embrace.  Truth be told I don’t even want to write this blog.  I can sense the desire to fold into myself, to hibernate, to disappear for a little while.  I spent a good six hours on Sunday bingeing on Scandal episodes, and it was safe, warm and cozy, I've even started dreaming about the characters.

There are a lot of things I do when I feel this way, and a lot of things that I don’t do.  I do watch a lot of television, especially HGTV.  There’s something about seeing other people build and create and makeover homes that’s incredibly satisfying, that's instantly gratifying, it’s as if I have accomplished something just by watching.  I don’t do a lot of exercising, moving my body.  I do ruminate a lot over why I’m stuck, scared, and anxious.  I don’t do a lot of sucking it up and just taking a step forward. 

The dilemma I am facing can be summed up as procrastination, and I believe I’m procrastinating because I want everything to be perfect.  I don’t write blogs consistently because I reign myself in with self-doubt.  I don’t exercise consistently because I want to be that person who naturally loves the gym and has amazing discipline.  I don’t do a lot of things because the image I have in my head, the ideal, the dream is so pristine in it’s unachievable nature, that I paralyze myself through procrastination.  

Time for sucking it up.  Time for kicking myself in the ass.  Time for getting out of my comfort zone.  What’s my ticket out?  CURIOSITY.  Isn’t that such a beautiful state?  When we are curious, we are open, we are willing to live in the unknown, we see new pathways, we get creative, we are filled with delight, we are alive.  Last week I was lucky enough to spend a lot of time with my niece and nephews, and boy, don’t children have curiosity in droves?  They are so moment-to-moment, so quick to find new solutions, to seek new possibilities, to play. 

So, enough with the procrastination, the perfectionism, the resistance, the paralysis.  I know that story well, I’ve mastered that role.  It’s time to try on a new hat, the curious one.  Time to see what the fear of failure actually looks and feels like: where does it live in my body, what color is it, what size is it, what is the nature of it's energy?  Time to see what tiny baby step I do feel capable of taking: writing this blog, for one, or maybe just laying my yoga mat on my floor and doing a few stretches for 10 minutes.  Already I feel lighter just by inviting curiosity to be a part of the conversation. 

How does the Enneagram factor in with all of this?  The Enneagram is a map of nine different personalities styles, including how they think, feel and act, where they focus their attention and where they place their energy.  The nature of my perfectionism and procrastination is articulated in my specific type.  The Enneagram is a helpful tool to figure out where you get stuck, why, and it offers practical applications on how to forge new paths.  If you're curious about your own process, sign up for a session today!

Elizabeth Elkins is a Certified Enneagram Consultant.  She offers individual, partner and group sessions, as well as workshops.  For more information, go to www.enneagramnewyorkcity.com.   

Happy New Year!

The Enneagram

Happy 2014!  I wanted to start the year off by taking a minute to introduce the Enneagram for those of you who don’t know it and as a reminder of the beauty of it to those who do. My hope is that more and more people understand and engage in this system, as I believe it is an awesome tool for developing more compassion towards ourselves and each other, and who doesn’t deserve a little more compassion?!

So, what is the Enneagram? 

The Enneagram is a personality system that describes nine different ways of seeing the world involving fundamental patterns of thinking, feeling, and acting.  The basic idea is that when we were born, we had a closer connection to our essential self.  Then, throughout childhood and growing up, we developed certain patterns in order to survive and seek satisfaction.  In other words, we were once able to see the world from a 360 degree perspective, and in an effort to protect ourselves we sectioned off most of that, ending up with a mere 40 degree outlook on the world.  Tunnel vision, you could also call it.

The Enneagram provides a map of each type’s 40 degree perspective, including:

• What is the essential truth that they lost sight of
• What they came to believe instead 
• Where their focus of attention turned to, as a result of this new belief
• What is the number one fear they avoid
• What makes them personally reactive
• What this costs in their daily lives and relationships

And then, unlike other personality systems, it offers an opportunity for spiritual growth by:

• Identifying your blind spots
• Offering practical applications in order to let go of old habits and develop new patterns
• Reclaiming more of your essential self; or getting out of the box you are already in

What interests me most about the Enneagram, and one of the primary reasons I became certified, is the idea that there is so much more to see, to do, to participate in and the Enneagram provides a way to shrink the blinders and see more of the 360 degree perspective.

The first step in applying the Enneagram to your life is Discovering Your Type.  

This session is a one-on-one process where I will guide you through a series of questions, in order to help you discover your type.  These questions are designed to help you look at the motivations behind your actions: why you do what you do.

At the end of the session, I will give you feedback on your answers and how they match up with the Enneagram, narrowing down your likely type. 

The purpose of this interview is to engage in a process of self-discovery.  To help you continue in this process, at the end of this session you will receive a free copy of TheEssential Enneagram (a $12.99 value) by David Daniels, MD and Virginia Price, PhD to help you further explore your type.

Sign up today! 

Elizabeth Elkins is a Certified Enneagram Consultant.  She offers individual, partner and group sessions, as well as workshops.  For more information, go to www.enneagramnewyorkcity.com.  

Seven Lessons of Our Own Personal Myths

Narcissus by Caravaggio

I had a very upsetting chat/fight/argument with a loved one this past weekend, and whereas I won't go into the personal details of the heated discussion, I would like to write about what I learned from the experience.  But first, just a funny anecdote to begin.... This morning I told my boyfriend my intention to write about my lessons and he said, "Yeah, write about how you learned that you don't really listen."  I laughed and said, "that wasn't what I learned!"  I guess I can add and contemplate that (very possibly true) fact later.  Now, onto my lessons (as I deem them)...

Lesson One: We are all right, in our own right.

Most arguments or conflicts happen because two people are not on the same page.  They are each fighting their own fight, in the same ring as each other.  It seems like they are disagreeing, but if we could look from each person's perspective, we would see that they are both right, in their own right. 

Lesson Two:  Our own projections get in the way of being intimate with our loved ones.  

Our projections come from our own personal myths, or in Enneagram-speak, our type biases.  We see the world from this perspective and then look for evidence of our myths' reality.

Lesson Three: "If you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will." 

This is one of my favorite quotes is from the movie Pollyanna.  Pollyanna is speaking to the minister of the town, who is used to preaching about fire and brimstone.   Pollyanna's gift is teaching people about gratitude and how to find joy.  She wears a locket, from her father, and in it reads the quote, supposedly coined by Abraham Lincoln.

This quote took me years to understand.  As a child, I didn't get why anyone would "look for the bad in mankind."  I kept turning the phrase over and over in my head, and then, with time and experience, I began to realize what it really meant.  It's about assumptions.  It's also about finding evidence to confirm your own theories, or your own personal myth.  

Try this: think about the color of red.  Now look around you and look for objects that are red.   All of a sudden, you'll see evidence of the color red everywhere.  It will jump out at you and you'll be surprised at how many things are red!  Well, the same is true for our assumptions, our projections, our type biases, and our own personal myths.

Lesson Four:  My myth is melodramatic.

To be a little more specific, let me state my own myth, that I've only just begun to expose.

Unless I am the ideal ________ (daughter/sister/girlfriend/friend/actress/server/consultant), I will disappoint the others in my life, they will not approve of me, they will not love me, and ultimately they will abandon me and I will be alone.

Exaggerated, much?  Yes, of course it is!  It's my own personal myth.  But until I had this very saddening talk with my loved one this past weekend, I didn't realize that this was my assumption, that this was my projection.  As I put this myth onto my loved one, they were shocked and dismayed, personally offended and felt attacked.  How could I even begin to attest that they were not supportive, encouraging, loving and proud of me?  During the encounter, I kept trying to state that I was just expressing how I feel.  And somewhere during the exchange, it hit me.

Lesson Five:  Though my myth feels true for me, it is not necessarily true for another.  

Yes, this is how I feel, but do I have real evidence to back it up?  All of a sudden my assumptions and my projections began to dissolve.  And this thought entered my mind: what if it isn't true?  What if I've been operating under a false belief?  What if, all the effort that I put into being the ideal daughter/sister/girlfriend/friend isn't necessary, because my loved ones will love me for who I am and not because I am some ideal. 

 

Lesson Six:  Our myths are old, protective devices.

We all have them.  But, what is both thrilling and terrifying is the notion that they may no longer be true.  We don't have to play victim to these debilitating assumptions any longer.

 

Lesson Seven:  Learning Lessons is hard.

I wish I didn't have to learn these lessons by having a fight with my loved one, by feeling vulnerable and emotional and ashamed.  Yet, it is what it is.  I hope that next time, before I project my myth onto my loved one, I am able to first check-in with myself.  I hope I am able to confront my loved ones in a non-critical, non-attacking way, and ask them gently how it is they do feel.  Then, as my boyfriend suggested, I also hope I will be able to listen to them with an open heart as they respond. 

Does this resonate for you?  What is your personal myth that you hold on to and project onto others?  Are you ready to let go of it, or test it's validity?  To examine these questions and more, schedule a Deepening Type Awareness session with me today!


Elizabeth Elkins is a Certified Enneagram Consultant.  She offers individual, partner and group sessions, as well as workshops.  For more information, go to www.enneagramnewyorkcity.com. 

Benefits of the Enneagram, or the Teachings of US Weekly

As I've started my new Enneagram Consulting business, the question I hear a lot is: Why would I need to learn about the Enneagram?  What's the benefit?

On my website, I list the benefits as follows:

• Greater self-awareness and self-knowledge: understanding why you do what you do
• Learning how others in your life see the world: leads to healthier, easier relationships
• Empowering yourself with choice: if you know your patterns, you can make different choices
• Cultivating compassion and curiosity for yourself and others
• Acquiring practical tools to manage the feeling of overwhelm and reactivity with others: leads to less friction in daily life

Okay, sounds good, but what does all that really mean anyway?  What does all that look like?

Greater self-awareness and self-knowledge: understanding why you do what you do

It's like this.  Imagine you had a hand mirror and you were holding it behind your head, then you bring it forward in front of your face and voila you see yourself more clearly!  That's how I felt when I began learning about my Enneagram type.  Aspects of myself that I had a deep awareness of, but just wasn't fully conscious of, rose to the surface.  For example, I've always known that I have a tendency to compare myself to others: am I better? Am I worse?  I flip through US Weekly, my guilty pleasure, and what I've come to realize is that I'm looking at it, in order to compare myself, as well as picture an ideal (both aspects of my type).  I look at celebrities' bodies and their dresses mainly and I see how I far off I am from their image of perfection, but it also gives me something to strive toward.  What I didn't realize before the Enneagram, is how much this behavior reinforces a sense of unworthiness and longing, as if I am missing something that others (celebrities, in this case) have.  Huge wake up call for me!  Now, just an added twist on this subject: this habit of comparing myself is pleasurable for me, there is comfort in our patterns, we are safe there, we know what to expect.  But the first step is just to notice, and say Aha!

Learning how others in your life see the world: leads to healthier, easier relationships

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year and a half and I couldn't be more happy with our partnership.  I actually am not sure that I would have been able to find Michael and get this far if it weren't for my work with the Enneagram.  During our first year of dating we had about 5-6 fights, but they were big fights, fights where we almost broke up.  What were they about you ask?  We couldn't even tell you!  Honestly, the smallest thing would trigger one of us and then, like a pinball machine we would go back and forth wracking up a tornado-like mess!  What I came to realize is that we weren't talking about the same thing!  We weren't on the same page.  I was speaking from my own place of hurt and assumptions and he was doing the same thing.  So we were getting offended and hurt for no reason.  Once we finally began to understand each other's Enneagram type and point of view, everything shifted.  We could hear and really listen to the other without bringing our own baggage to the conversation.  We learned how not to take things personally.  We began to value our different perspectives and how much they are an asset to our compatibility.  Now, whenever we get close to skating towards a point of possible eruption, we look at each other and laugh.

Empowering yourself with choice: if you know your patterns, you can make different choices.

Let's stay on the former topic of US Weekly, for expediency's sake.  Okay, so I now know that flipping through US Weekly leads me to compare myself with celebrities and inevitably feel that I come up short.  I also know that there is something wickedly delightful at looking at pictures of beautiful people in designer clothes.  So, I have a choice.  Do I want to continue to flip through US Weekly, despite the consequences?  Do I want to go cold turkey and see what else I might do with my time if I wasn't flipping through a magazine?  The point is not really what you choose, it's not about judgment or punishment.  It's about staying open, curious and compassionate with yourself and your habits.  And it's about realizing you do have a choice.  My teacher, Dr. David Daniels, calls the Enneagram "Liberation Psychology."  True Dat.

Cultivating compassion and curiosity for yourself and others

Again, this ties into what I was just saying.  If there is a part of me that still enjoys reading gossip mags, that's fine, that's my choice.  But, if I can continue to be curious and cultivate compassion for myself, new pathways can form right in front of me.  I have this ideal that if I stopped wasting time on US Weekly, I would develop some of my artistic pursuits: drawing, playing the guitar, singing, etc. or I'd spend more time at the gym or cooking for my baby.  Maybe that's true, maybe that isn't.  The point is that the curiosity makes it fun: what would I do?  What could I do?  And the compassion helps you not stay stuck in a cycle of self-flagellation, repenting for defeating patterns.

Acquiring practical tools to manage overwhelm and reactivity with others: leads to less friction in daily life

Can we all agree on something?  Life is hard, and in this day-in-age, incredibly overwhelming!  I think I would be much more content if I lived in the late 1800s where I spent my time on more simple demands: reading, cooking, cleaning, spending time with family, and maybe occasionally delighting onstage like Sarah Bernhardt.  (This fantasy is another quality of my tragic romanticism).  But still, we all have a lot on our plate, a lot that demands of us and drains of us and we need a way to put it all in it's proper place.  I say that if yoga, psychology and astrology had a love child, it would be the Enneagram.  It offers practical tools like those three disciplines/areas of study offer.  There is a component to get in touch with your physical body--through breathing and grounding.  There is an element of communing with your emotions, feeling the sensations and detaching from the story that perpetuates the emotion.  And there is the psychological element of understanding why you do what you do, and offering choice.  In essence, the Enneagram celebrates all three centers of wisdom: our heart, our mind and our body.  And it offers practical tools to deal with the curve balls that life throws at you.

So, these are just a few short examples of how the Enneagram has shown up in my life, just a scratch in the surface.  The Enneagram is deep, it's complex, it's endlessly interesting, and it's a process, a process that begins by discovering your type.  If you want to know how the Enneagram can be of benefit in your life, sign up for a Discover Your Type session today!

Elizabeth Elkins is a Certified Enneagram Consultant.  She offers individual, partner and group sessions, as well as workshops.  For more information, go to www.enneagramnewyorkcity.com.