Follow Up Friday is a series where I check in on the questions and issues that I introduced on
Tuesday's blog.
Turns out I didn't get any comments on my last blog to follow up on today. Michael asked me how a Four would usually respond to that. Great question, I thought! My default reply was that I, as a Four, would feel rejected. However, even as I said the word rejected, I knew I wasn't. It didn't sit right with me. In truth, I felt fine about it. I understood. I certainly am not the type to leave comments on other people's blogs, hey, I don't even read other people's blogs. Yes, I was hoping I would get some of your thoughts and ideas in the comments, but I wasn't expecting it, and I didn't have an attachment to the outcome. That non-attachment and release of expectation helped me to not take it personally, nor feel rejected. Fantastic!
On Wednesday night, I was serving tables at my job, and one of our beloved customers came in towards the end of the night. If Woody Allen and Larry David had a love child it would be Harold. Now, Harold is very particular. He knows what he likes and what he doesn't like. He wants butter with his bread, not our organic olive oil, and he wants it brought to his table immediately. He wants a healthy pour on a wine glass, not a measured-out pour. He wants the perfect amount of digestive time in between his two courses. If his entree comes too early, he'll send it back; if too late, he'll demand it's arrival at once. To some of my co-workers, this is off-putting, and I can understand why. But to me, it's refreshing. You always know where you stand with Harold.
We began talking and he told me that he had checked out my website (this blog) that we had spoken about the last time he was in. I perked up and said, "Great! What did you think?" His response was "Meh--it didn't really catch my interest." Again, typically, I would be personally offended by his very blunt critique of writing. But, surprisingly, I didn't feel offended. I checked in with myself, and I felt curious. I asked him to tell me why, to give me more details. We got into a great discussion about what it is I'm trying to do and put out there, and how to go about doing that. At the end of the conversation, I had some genuine pearls of wisdom from Ol' Harold, and I had some questions that I wanted to continue to ask myself.
This blog is a work-in-progress. The Enneagram is a complex system and it's difficult to convey its depth in soundbites. It is best discovered through conversation between types. As, I hope to turn on people who've never heard of the Enneagram, as well as pique the interests of those who are Enneagram devotees, it will be intriguing to discover where the sweet spot lies between authentically expressing myself and resonating with the readers.
Finally, in the middle of the night, I woke up to go to the bathroom, and I remembered the dream I was having. There was a young man in it and he was telling me (in regards to my blog), "It didn't resonate with me, but keep going, keep going." I captured that experience as I groggily went back to bed. This blog may not resonate with you yet, it may sometime in the future, or it may never. And that's okay. But, I'm gonna keep going, keep going.
Hope you have a great weekend! I'll be back on Tuesday, and if you feel compelled to leave a comment on this blog, I will relish in reading it!
Friday, October 4, 2013
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
The Conversation I'm Starting
There are those moments when you have a conversation with someone, and suddenly you're all bound together because you share your humanity in one simple moment.
-Ralph Fiennes
Love without conversation is impossible.
- Mortimer Adler
You know that little thing I say at the end of each blog post, something to the effect of "leave a comment?!" Well, let me tell you a little bit more about the conversation I am hoping to start with you.
First of all, the way I connect is through sharing. I tell about my experience in hopes that you will tell me about yours. Share and Tell was always my favorite day in lower school. My boyfriend always jokes with me because he'll say something like "It's hot in here." And I'll respond, "I'm not hot." Or he'll say, "I'm tired." To which I'll say, "I've got a ton of energy!" And with love and a little bit of poking fun, he'll say, "It's not always about you." I know it's not always about me, and I'm not trying to make it be. It's not that I'm not hearing him, or that I don't care about his experience of the world. It's that, as a Four, I am self-referencing, and oftentimes, I connect through comparison. And I want to connect most of all.
Whenever I meet someone new, I always try to break the ice by sharing, usually a story. Again, it's not because I am self-involved, although, I can be guilty of that, as well. It's that I want to make the other person feel comfortable and that I am trustworthy. So, if I am revealing, self-disclosing, and honest, maybe you will open up to me, too and together, we can forge a connection.
One of the reasons I was drawn to the Enneagram, was because it was such a helpful and spot-on road map to my patterns. It was like a light bulb went off, or seeing clearly for the first time. Everything just seemed to make sense. Parts of myself that I had inherently known, but could never fully verbalize, came to the surface. Like the joy that passes over a two-year old's face when he is first able to communicate "I'm hungry." I was ecstatic that I could finally use words and concepts to describe aspects of myself that I had subconsciously known all along. Now, I am also a diarist. I keep fervid journals of my thoughts, discoveries and experiences. I have been doing so for as long as I can remember, and therefore it's the easiest way I know how to express myself.
My intention for this blog is three-fold. It's a way for me to express myself and my reflections. It's a way for me to share with you the Enneagram system and how it shows up in day-to-day life. And lastly, and most importantly, it's a way for me to connect with you by starting the conversation.
As a soon-to-be Certified Enneagram Consultant, I am trained in the Narrative Tradition. This means that we learn about type by hearing from people's own experiences. Through question and response, through stories, we get at what it means to be a specific type. I am an expert at Type Four, and therefore, I can tell you all about what life is like from the perspective of a Four. What I don't intrinsically know is what life is like from the other eight perspectives. This is where you come in. This is why I invite you to share. So, please do!
Let's start with some fun beginner getting-to-know-you questions...
- What is a nickname that people call you? (Not related to your actual name, but more related to your personality).
- What is one aspect of your personality that trips you up over and over again?
- How are you your own worst enemy and how are you your own best friend?
Much love!
Friday, September 27, 2013
Follow Up Friday: To Commit
Follow Up Friday is a series where I check in on the questions and issues that I introduced on
Tuesday's blog.
To Commit or Not to Commit, that is the question.
Well, it's day four of my journey on the Dukan Diet and so far, I haven't given up! Here's an interesting thing I noticed about my commitment to the diet. I am accessing my One resource point. I have been able to accomplish my goal thus far by seeing it objectively. My feelings don't really matter.
It hasn't been easy. Temptations are always around the corner. Last night, I worked an event at my restaurant. At the end of the night we had several beautiful bottles of Sancerre that we had opened, but had not poured. My manager decided to do something she never does...let us all take a bottle home! I, of course, could not take her up on her generous offer, because I'm not drinking. I expected to be more disappointed, but truthfully, I just felt like: oh well! And I hurried home to my darling, proud that I hadn't caved.
Then, tonight, I am meeting six of my best girl friends at a Latin Tapas restaurant on the Lower East Side. I am sure that there will be margaritas flowing, and my favorite tapas (empanadas!) being passed around the table. I have taken precaution, however, and already checked out the menu to see what I will be able to order. And I'm looking forward to my sparkling water with a squeeze of lime. I have a suspicion that I will be even more engaged with my best friends, able to put my focus fully on them and be completely present!
Now, all types can struggle with commitment, but here are some pros and cons of each type. You may be able to access the positives of a resource point, like I did with my access to the practical, objective One!
Ones, as I have laid out, tend to be very practical and objective. They are also list-makers and doers. Responsibility and following through on their word is important to them. For example, my boyfriend, who is a One, after having smoked for 23 years read a book and in one afternoon decided to quit and hasn't touched a cigarette since.
Twos have an easy time committing, if the commitment is in association with another. When it is a commitment to their own needs and self-care, they tend to shirk from completion. Committing to one thing inevitably means saying "no" to another thing, so Twos can get caught up by trying to do a lot for others and end up saying "no" to their commitment to themselves.
Threes are doers. Hands down. Goals, accomplishments, success is all a part of their daily vernacular. They are able to achieve almost anything they put their minds to. However, they can overdo which can result in pushing themselves beyond their physical limits.
Fours, as I discussed in Tuesday's blog, in general don't like commitment. Their feelings come first and foremost and they never know how they're going to feel day-to-day. Also, commitment can bring up associations with ordinary and routine, both of which are allergies for a Four. If the commitment brings up close connections with loved ones, or deep experiences, the Four can gladly commit.
Fives can be incredibly non-committal to others agendas. I once heard a Five say that if someone invited her to lunch on Wednesday, she would say "no" for fear that that same friend would want to go to lunch with her every Wednesday. Fives are very possessive of their time, space and energy. However, if the commitment is on the Fives agenda, they tend to follow through with ease.
Sixes value loyalty and duty. They show up for their commitments. However, they may procrastinate when it comes to getting started on a project. This is a result of them over-thinking instead of doing. They may also get tripped up on their worst-case scenario analyzing.
Sevens are allergic to limitation. And commitment can often feel limiting. They also like variety and new experiences. If the commitment is fun and brings them joy, they are more likely to stick to it. Getting a Seven at the beginning of a project, when they can brainstorm new ideas and avenues is when they really shine.
Eights have a ton of intensity and energy, both which lend themselves well to commitment. They also are their own boss and don't answer to anyone. If something is important to them, they will get it done, no excuses, no question. Getting an Eight to commit to a project that is out of their leadership may be a more difficult task.
Nines merge with others agendas. When their loved ones initiate a commitment, they are able to follow through. When it comes to their own commitments however, they often get distracted by the inessential. They tend to make themselves less important and therefore, like the Twos, have trouble saying "no" to others and "yes" to their own agendas.
If you know your type, please leave a comment about what commitment means to you!
Have a great weekend!
To Commit or Not to Commit, that is the question.
Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back-- Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now. -Goethe
Well, it's day four of my journey on the Dukan Diet and so far, I haven't given up! Here's an interesting thing I noticed about my commitment to the diet. I am accessing my One resource point. I have been able to accomplish my goal thus far by seeing it objectively. My feelings don't really matter.
It hasn't been easy. Temptations are always around the corner. Last night, I worked an event at my restaurant. At the end of the night we had several beautiful bottles of Sancerre that we had opened, but had not poured. My manager decided to do something she never does...let us all take a bottle home! I, of course, could not take her up on her generous offer, because I'm not drinking. I expected to be more disappointed, but truthfully, I just felt like: oh well! And I hurried home to my darling, proud that I hadn't caved.
Then, tonight, I am meeting six of my best girl friends at a Latin Tapas restaurant on the Lower East Side. I am sure that there will be margaritas flowing, and my favorite tapas (empanadas!) being passed around the table. I have taken precaution, however, and already checked out the menu to see what I will be able to order. And I'm looking forward to my sparkling water with a squeeze of lime. I have a suspicion that I will be even more engaged with my best friends, able to put my focus fully on them and be completely present!
Now, all types can struggle with commitment, but here are some pros and cons of each type. You may be able to access the positives of a resource point, like I did with my access to the practical, objective One!
Ones, as I have laid out, tend to be very practical and objective. They are also list-makers and doers. Responsibility and following through on their word is important to them. For example, my boyfriend, who is a One, after having smoked for 23 years read a book and in one afternoon decided to quit and hasn't touched a cigarette since.
Twos have an easy time committing, if the commitment is in association with another. When it is a commitment to their own needs and self-care, they tend to shirk from completion. Committing to one thing inevitably means saying "no" to another thing, so Twos can get caught up by trying to do a lot for others and end up saying "no" to their commitment to themselves.
Threes are doers. Hands down. Goals, accomplishments, success is all a part of their daily vernacular. They are able to achieve almost anything they put their minds to. However, they can overdo which can result in pushing themselves beyond their physical limits.
Fours, as I discussed in Tuesday's blog, in general don't like commitment. Their feelings come first and foremost and they never know how they're going to feel day-to-day. Also, commitment can bring up associations with ordinary and routine, both of which are allergies for a Four. If the commitment brings up close connections with loved ones, or deep experiences, the Four can gladly commit.
Fives can be incredibly non-committal to others agendas. I once heard a Five say that if someone invited her to lunch on Wednesday, she would say "no" for fear that that same friend would want to go to lunch with her every Wednesday. Fives are very possessive of their time, space and energy. However, if the commitment is on the Fives agenda, they tend to follow through with ease.
Sixes value loyalty and duty. They show up for their commitments. However, they may procrastinate when it comes to getting started on a project. This is a result of them over-thinking instead of doing. They may also get tripped up on their worst-case scenario analyzing.
Sevens are allergic to limitation. And commitment can often feel limiting. They also like variety and new experiences. If the commitment is fun and brings them joy, they are more likely to stick to it. Getting a Seven at the beginning of a project, when they can brainstorm new ideas and avenues is when they really shine.
Eights have a ton of intensity and energy, both which lend themselves well to commitment. They also are their own boss and don't answer to anyone. If something is important to them, they will get it done, no excuses, no question. Getting an Eight to commit to a project that is out of their leadership may be a more difficult task.
Nines merge with others agendas. When their loved ones initiate a commitment, they are able to follow through. When it comes to their own commitments however, they often get distracted by the inessential. They tend to make themselves less important and therefore, like the Twos, have trouble saying "no" to others and "yes" to their own agendas.
If you know your type, please leave a comment about what commitment means to you!
Have a great weekend!
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
To Commit, or Not to Commit?
After a week long of overindulging in The Big Easy, Michael and I have decided to start The Dukan Diet and today is Day One. I hate diets. I hate restricting myself and I hate depriving myself. To me, diets = commitment. And I have a very complicated relationship to commitment.
Why I am allergic to commitment? Let's see, as a 4, I prioritize my feelings above all. And when you make a commitment, feelings don't always get to have their say. Then there is the element of routine, which I tend to avoid (even though I crave it). This is not to say I am unable to commit. If the commitment involves another person, I always follow through. Be it a date night with Michael, a girls dinner with my besties, a lesson with my guitar teacher, or anything else that involves my loved ones, I am there. No question.
It's when I need to make a commitment to myself, and the agendas that I deem important, that I tend to fail. That list includes diets, exercise regimens, meditation, studying the Enneagram, practicing guitar, and any other self-care activity. If I can enlist another to join me (as in Michael with The Dukan Diet), I know I'll have a fighting chance to keep my promise.
Moving forward, I am hoping that this joint pledge to the diet will open up opportunities for me to follow through with other commitments I've longed to keep to myself, mainly meditation and exercise. Commitment has a lot to do with trust. When we make the agreement to commit to something and we follow through with that, we have taught ourselves that we can self-trust. When we fail to follow through, there is a part of us that doesn't have inner faith.
I am looking forward to self-trust and inner faith, and the sense of accomplishment and self-worth that comes with showing up for my commitments.
How do you show up for your commitments? Where are you most committed in your life? Where are you least committed in your life? What stops you from committing and what propels you forward?
As always, feel free to comment on the questions I've posed! I'll follow up on Friday with more thoughts on the relationship other types may have to commitment.
Have a great week!
Why I am allergic to commitment? Let's see, as a 4, I prioritize my feelings above all. And when you make a commitment, feelings don't always get to have their say. Then there is the element of routine, which I tend to avoid (even though I crave it). This is not to say I am unable to commit. If the commitment involves another person, I always follow through. Be it a date night with Michael, a girls dinner with my besties, a lesson with my guitar teacher, or anything else that involves my loved ones, I am there. No question.
It's when I need to make a commitment to myself, and the agendas that I deem important, that I tend to fail. That list includes diets, exercise regimens, meditation, studying the Enneagram, practicing guitar, and any other self-care activity. If I can enlist another to join me (as in Michael with The Dukan Diet), I know I'll have a fighting chance to keep my promise.
Moving forward, I am hoping that this joint pledge to the diet will open up opportunities for me to follow through with other commitments I've longed to keep to myself, mainly meditation and exercise. Commitment has a lot to do with trust. When we make the agreement to commit to something and we follow through with that, we have taught ourselves that we can self-trust. When we fail to follow through, there is a part of us that doesn't have inner faith.
I am looking forward to self-trust and inner faith, and the sense of accomplishment and self-worth that comes with showing up for my commitments.
How do you show up for your commitments? Where are you most committed in your life? Where are you least committed in your life? What stops you from committing and what propels you forward?
As always, feel free to comment on the questions I've posed! I'll follow up on Friday with more thoughts on the relationship other types may have to commitment.
Have a great week!
Friday, September 20, 2013
Follow Up Friday: Awake My Soul
Follow Up Friday is a
new series where I check in on the questions and issues that I introduced on
Tuesday's blog.
Question: What awakens your soul?
I go in and out of being present and connected to what awakens my soul. When I have experiences like I had last Monday night, where I truly felt free to be me, connected to everything and all around me, I wanted to hold onto that feeling as long as possible. I desired to bottle that feeling up. Inevitably, I wasn't able to carry over that bliss in the days that succeeded the event, leaving me disappointed and damn near depressed. I assume this is because I have been trying to hold onto the past. This refusal to let go of the past and live in the present blinds me to what new soul-awakening experiences I could witness in the here and now.
So in thinking about what awakens my soul, it begs the antithetical question: what puts my soul to sleep?
As a Four, my soul is asleep when my attention is on:
-Expectations as created through my fantasies and idealism
-Seeking for what is missing
-Resistance to what is here and now
-Comparing Mind
These are all elements of my vice: Envy.
If you are one of the other nine types, here is a brief list of where their attention goes, in addition to their vice.
One: Improving, Correcting, The Critical Mind, Anger.
Two: People-Pleasing, Suppressing your Needs, Pride.
Three: Impressing, Doing, Over-achieving, Deceit.
Five: Withholding, Detaching, Intellectualizing, Avarice.
Six: Worrying, Doubting, Over-preparing, Fear.
Seven: Plans, Fear of Limitation, Rationalization, Gluttony.
Eight: Power and Control, Asserting One's Opinions, Lust.
Nine: Numbing Out, Comfort Seeking, Inertia, Sloth.
So, logic would tell me that if these vices are putting our souls to sleep, perhaps the key to awakening our souls lies in our types' virtues?
One: Serenity- Accepting the presence of all emotions without judgment
Two: Humility- Giving and receiving freely without need for approval
Three: Hope- Grounding in possibility without the compulsion of doing
Four: Equanimity- Balancing emotions out by surrendering to the present
Five: Non-attachment- Letting go of the fear of not enough
Six: Courage- Ability to face fears while having faith in self
Seven: Sobriety- Commitment to a single course of action without diversion
Eight: Innocence- Witnessing without need to control
Nine: Right Action- Valuing worth by embracing one's separate self
Check in the next time you notice your soul is asleep. Where is your attention? And get curious about what wakes your soul up, was the key in your virtue?
Share in the comments below or email me. I look forward to reading!
Have a lovely weekend!
Question: What awakens your soul?
I go in and out of being present and connected to what awakens my soul. When I have experiences like I had last Monday night, where I truly felt free to be me, connected to everything and all around me, I wanted to hold onto that feeling as long as possible. I desired to bottle that feeling up. Inevitably, I wasn't able to carry over that bliss in the days that succeeded the event, leaving me disappointed and damn near depressed. I assume this is because I have been trying to hold onto the past. This refusal to let go of the past and live in the present blinds me to what new soul-awakening experiences I could witness in the here and now.
So in thinking about what awakens my soul, it begs the antithetical question: what puts my soul to sleep?
As a Four, my soul is asleep when my attention is on:
-Expectations as created through my fantasies and idealism
-Seeking for what is missing
-Resistance to what is here and now
-Comparing Mind
These are all elements of my vice: Envy.
If you are one of the other nine types, here is a brief list of where their attention goes, in addition to their vice.
One: Improving, Correcting, The Critical Mind, Anger.
Two: People-Pleasing, Suppressing your Needs, Pride.
Three: Impressing, Doing, Over-achieving, Deceit.
Five: Withholding, Detaching, Intellectualizing, Avarice.
Six: Worrying, Doubting, Over-preparing, Fear.
Seven: Plans, Fear of Limitation, Rationalization, Gluttony.
Eight: Power and Control, Asserting One's Opinions, Lust.
Nine: Numbing Out, Comfort Seeking, Inertia, Sloth.
So, logic would tell me that if these vices are putting our souls to sleep, perhaps the key to awakening our souls lies in our types' virtues?
One: Serenity- Accepting the presence of all emotions without judgment
Two: Humility- Giving and receiving freely without need for approval
Three: Hope- Grounding in possibility without the compulsion of doing
Four: Equanimity- Balancing emotions out by surrendering to the present
Five: Non-attachment- Letting go of the fear of not enough
Six: Courage- Ability to face fears while having faith in self
Seven: Sobriety- Commitment to a single course of action without diversion
Eight: Innocence- Witnessing without need to control
Nine: Right Action- Valuing worth by embracing one's separate self
Check in the next time you notice your soul is asleep. Where is your attention? And get curious about what wakes your soul up, was the key in your virtue?
Share in the comments below or email me. I look forward to reading!
Have a lovely weekend!
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Awake My Soul
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
And where you invest your love, you invest your life
Awake my soul
Awake my soul
Awake my soul
For you were made to meet your maker
And where you invest your love, you invest your life
Awake my soul
Awake my soul
Awake my soul
For you were made to meet your maker
-Mumford and Sons
Last night, while at home visiting my parents in New Orleans, I had the immense pleasure of attending the Mumford and Sons stopover concert at Mardi Gras World with my boyfriend, my brother and sister-in-law. It was in a wide open space with about 9,600 attendees right next to the Mississippi River. And though it was a warm 80 degrees, the breeze coming off of the Mississippi kept us cool for dancing.
I don't like to fight to get to the front because even though I like seeing the band mates up close and personal, I would rather have an unobstructed view and freedom to loosen my limbs. So, Michael and I parked ourselves right on the river railings. The sound was crystal clear. I could hear Marcus Mumford as if he were whispering into my ear.
They played all of our favorite songs from their first two albums. Michael and I tend to have these on repeat wherever we are, at home, in the car. But when they got to "Awake my Soul" I jumped off my river perch, kicked off my flip flops and danced my little heart out on the cement. (Not a pleasant dance floor texture, but I didn't care). I was so immersed, so incredibly content, expressing myself in my crazy dance moves and singing at the top of my lungs.
I was aware that this moment and this experience is what awakens my very soul. Music has such a beautiful and great capacity to get right into your bones and blood stream and make you feel connected to all and glad to be alive. Mumford and Sons music certainly does that for me. As does being in my hometown of Proud New Orleans. As does connecting eyes with Michael as we listen to our favorite band.
What awakens your soul? What makes you feel the beauty of being alive? Where are you fully aware of all the magic that life has to offer? When are you hyper attuned with all of your senses?
As always, please leave a comment and let me know what awakens your soul. I look forward to reading! And tune in to Follow Up Friday where I will revisit this question of soul-awakening as it blossoms throughout the week!
Have a blessed day!
Friday, September 13, 2013
Follow Up Friday: What is your favorite worst feeling?
Follow Up Friday is a
new series where I check in on the questions and issues that I introduced on
Tuesday's blog.
Question: What is your favorite worst feeling?
As
I continued to examine this question throughout the week, I found myself sort
of hating my personality type. I actually got mad at it, like it was this
other outside organism (which it sort of is).
Saying things in my head like: why can’t you be happier with where you
are? What’s wrong with you? You’re missing out on life, you know. These kinds of thoughts, I realize, are not
helpful.
One
of the reasons I love the Enneagram so much is that it is not about changing who you are. It’s not about being some perfect
specimen. It is about shedding light on your automatic patterns, your default
perspective. When you shed light on
these patterns, then you have a choice. This is the awareness piece in any spiritual
practice. You can either remain a victim
of your old methods of existence, or you can choose a new way of seeing things.
What
comes before gratitude and after awareness is acceptance. As my teacher, David Daniels says, when
awareness gets too far ahead of acceptance that’s when you have discord. So casting back on that night where I had a
conversation between my Inner Guidance and my Habitual Mind, I was missing the
piece of acceptance. I was trying to
force myself to the gratitude step.
So,
what I’m planning on practicing is acceptance
with compassion and curiosity. My
therapist has an analogy that I think is very fitting. It’s like having a new bud planted on your
windowsill and urging it to instantaneously blossom into a flower: Grow! Grow!
Grow! It’s an absurd idea, so why
do we do it to ourselves?
The
next time my mind casts back to yearning for the rose-colored past, or gunning
for the idealized future, I hope I can get curious and with compassion discover
why it is I am leaving the present moment.
Let’s
continue this conversation! If you have
any thoughts or questions, please leave them in the comments below or email me.
Have
a lovely weekend!
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