Befriending the Shadow

“Is this not enough?  This blessed sip of life, is it not enough?  Staring down at the ground.  Oh, then complain and pray more from above, you greedy little pig.”

-from the song “Pig” by Dave Matthews Band

This may seem like a very anti-spiritual quote to open with, referring to one as a “greedy little pig.”  And, I certainly am not condoning that kind of disparaging talk.  It reminds me of when Alec Baldwin called his young daughter a pig on that widely publicized raging tantrum he had on her voicemail. 

So, to be perfectly clear, I am not calling you or myself or anyone a greedy little pig.  And yet, I would like to discuss issues that resonate in this very short lyric from one of my favorite Dave Matthews Band songs, “Pig.”  Yes, I still love Dave Matthews. 

This past week I’ve been struggling with a few key issues.  I work at a beautiful award-winning restaurant with delicious organic farm-to-table food in a stunning ethereal atmosphere serving food to all sorts of New York movers and shakers.  Nothing to complain about, really.  Except for the fact that it is a “survival” job.  Therefore, complaints seem to go with the territory. 

There are many other ways that I would prefer to spend my time and energy, and ways that I would prefer to support myself financially.  Honestly, if I could get paid to delve into the depths of my psyche, I would gladly do so and probably be a millionaire by now. 

I worked a lot this week, that coupled with the fact that I was experiencing raging PMS hormones, in addition to not being able to have a night alone with my sweetie, all made way for some serious darkness to emerge from the depths of my soul. 

I don’t like darkness.  I’ve been trying to become friends with my shadow.  I’ve slowly made my approach to that unknown part of myself through reading the brilliant writings of the late Debbie Ford in her book “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers,” in addition to “Owning YourOwn Shadow” by Robert A. Johnson.

But boy, did my shadow side come out with a vengeance this week.  When I was at my job, I was working myself up in to such a frenzy, such a tizzy, that I nearly made myself sick.  My thoughts were the rants of a 4 year old who wasn’t getting what she wanted.  “I don’t want to be here!  I want to be at home!  I want to hang out with my boyfriend!  I want to stay on the couch!  I want to watch T.V.!  I want to eat chocolate!  I don’t want to work!  I want to play!  I want to draw!  I want to do fun stuff!  Leave me alone!  I’m mad!”  Then another part of me, my superego as Freud might call it, chimed in.  “How dare you!  You greedy little pig!  Don’t you realize that you are creating this suffering for yourself?  Suffering is resisting what is.  So, you might as well stop fighting what is.  If you were meant to be anywhere else, you would be there.  But you’re here, so get used to it, accept it and move forward.  And if you do this and are a good little girl, then and only then, maybe the universe will reward you for your good behavior.”

Yep.  That was pretty much the conversation I had with myself.  So, here’s the deal.  Both of those views are valid.  And it’s important to not fight either side, but really to let all the parts of me exist and have their say.  And instead of being judgmental or shaming or calling myself a greedy little pig, I have to invite compassion to the conversation.  I have to let it be okay to want more for myself, to want more from the way I spend my time and energy.  And yet, I have to give myself credit for doing the best I can do, and also to show gratitude for all that I do have and all that I am.

I put so much pressure on myself to be this light-filled being, above the trials and petty concerns that bog us down as human beings.  And yet, if I don’t allow my darkness, my shadow, to co-exist with my all-knowing angelic side I am closing myself off to real, true, deep love and compassion for myself and others, ultimately cutting myself off from the beauty and privilege of existence. 

If any of what I’ve written resonates with you, please share a comment below.  I’d love to hear your thoughts and begin a conversation!

Slow Down, You Move Too Fast

Well, I finally did it.  I meditated.  For ten minutes.  After wanting, planning and hoping to do so, I did it.  And it was wonderful!  It’s hard to turn off the mind, and I didn’t exactly do that.  But I slowed down.  I could feel the tightness, like a drum, in my belly, the pull of my hip flexors, the spread of muscles shining out of my spine.  I saw images.  I asked for clarity surrounding my pursuits.

I have been pursuing a career as an actress for my entire adult life and I am stuck.  I, who once prided myself on being optimistic and innocent almost to a fault, have become disillusioned.  I don’t know what step to take next or how, or if I am even willing to do so.  As I was meditating, I asked for guidance on this conundrum, and I imagined being at the bottom of a well, with dirt so tightly compacted around me that it felt as if I was suffocating.  Breathing and feeling the stifling grip of the earth, I tried to relax into it.  Slowly, its claws loosened and I had a bit more room to be.  The path before me seemed a little less foggy.

I asked my heart for a word, as I was taught by my Enneagram mentor, Sandra.  She says if you ask your heart for a word, it will only come from a place of love.  If you get an unkind word, you know it’s not really your heart speaking to you.  So, my heart first said “key” and then it said “soften.”  And I knew what that meant.  Compassion.

It means I must soften my heart in order to unlock it.  I could feel the tightness, like vines, covering up my heart, trying to protect it.  For as long as I can remember I have been incredibly hard on myself.  I want too much from myself, I push myself past my boundaries, and limits.  I berate myself for not being good enough, for failing, for being human. 

Yesterday, I felt particularly stressed.  Beginning my morning with immediately trying to put myself out there, getting online, trying to reach for something, giving away my power, by 10am I felt exhausted.  I was frustrated, angry, annoyed, mad, tired, and upset.  Over what?  Nothing in particular.  It was mainly because I was not present.  It felt like someone was behind me, pushing me towards some end goal, some product, and I was clamoring and tripping over myself trying to get there.  I think I was pissed at that bully who was forcing me to be somewhere that I wasn’t.

I didn’t like that feeling, that stress, that overwhelm of the mind, that disconnection from the body.  And that is what led me to start my day a little differently this morning.  When I opened my eyes from my ten-minute meditation, I could see in real time what was in front of me.  The flickering of my Lavender Vanilla candle flame, the blueness of the sky juxtaposed with the rust red of the roof across the street.  My breathing had slowed down and it felt just a little easier to take the next step. 

This, I suppose, is the gift of meditation.  We are so over-stimulated in this uber technological age.  We have more on our plates than ever.  We are constantly feeling behind, or too much, or not good enough.  I hope to be able to give myself this gift every morning. 

If any of what I’ve written resonates with you, please share a comment below.  I’d love to hear your thoughts and begin a conversation!

Struggle between Selves

“One law of our souls is that if we are present to our here-and-now experience with an open and fresh attitude of curiosity and inquiry into the contents of our consciousness, our experience will rapidly deepen.”

“We cannot make ourselves change, just as we cannot make ourselves feel love for someone we don’t care about.  Change does not happen through our own efforts.  No one has ever made themselves or anyone else change.  But our efforts can orient our consciousness in such a way that transformation is more likely. “

-From The Enneagram of Passions and Virtues by Sandra Maitri

I read a lot of self-help books.  Why?  Because I have a desire to be better, and I guess I hope that by reading these books I will be able to change into this better person.  It’s not that easy.  I have the awareness of what I could do to make myself better, but I don’t always have the willingness to do the necessary actions. 

Let’s take meditation for example.  For several weeks, even months, I have had the idea of starting my mornings with meditation.  In this romantic vision, I wake up with that sense of curiosity and presence possessed by children.  I open the window, sit on a comfortable cushion in a designated meditation spot, light a candle, set my Insight timer for twenty minutes, close my eyes and meditate. 

Have I even once done this?  No.  Why do I want to?  For several reasons...  One, I feel like overall I will be a happier, more peaceful, more enlightened person if I do this.  Two, I think that I will be perceived by others to be a happier, more peaceful, more enlightened person if I do this.  Three, I have an idea that it will give me a sense of purpose.  Four, I believe that if I start my day this way, connecting with “presence” I will have an easier time achieving my goals.  

So, why don’t I?  I don’t have many good answers.  I have some not-so-good excuses.  There is resistance, of course, as Steven Pressfield writes so beautifully about in his book, The War of Art.  The quote above from Sandra Maitri is also somewhat comforting, though I don’t think it fits exactly with this problem.  It is possible to make an effort to do something.

 What is coming to my mind is the struggle between the IDEAL SELF versus the PERCEIVED SELF versus the TRUE SELF.  My ideal self meditates every day.  My perceived self doesn’t have faith that I am capable of committing to meditating every day.  And most importantly, my true self is buried beneath the two, so that she is very difficult to access.

It’s all a process, part of the journey.  One reason I love the Enneagram is that it helps me get a little closer to uncovering the true self. 

What is your experience?  Do you have a sense of the struggle between the ideal, perceived and true selves?  Are you able to make an effort to meditate every day, or do some other activity that you believe will be soul-enhancing?  Please share your comments in the space below. 

Actions Speak Louder than Words

It’s hard not to use the Enneagram as a fun party trick.  I’ve done it.  I may, at times, continue to do it.  It can hold the same power as really good gossip.  Being a one-to-one Four, I don’t always thrive in holding court in larger social groups.  I feel much more comfortable getting down to the nitty-gritty with just one person.  And so, as a default, I seek to bring a unifying piece of information to bring together the disparate social crowd.  Afraid that I may miss out of some conversation that is going on elsewhere, or fearful that I may be left out, I often take my place regaling everyone with some entertaining story, trying my best to hold everybody’s undivided attention.  Add to that my newfound love of the Enneagram, and you can see how it can get dicey.

I love the Enneagram.  I think it is endlessly fascinating.  There is still so much for me to learn about it, and I still have trouble explaining the complex system to people who have never heard about it.  I am aware that it can sound like some New Age-y, hokey, Self-Help juju.  So, I try to make it accessible, I try to hook people onto it.  Because, frankly, I believe in this system wholeheartedly, it resonates to my very core.  And when you’re passionate about something, you, of course, want to shout it from the mountaintops.  (In the same regard, I have tried to convince people of the merits of Ben Harper’s music, or the magical performances by Reese Witherspoon and Joaquin Phoenix in Walk the Line.  Full disclosure, in those last two instances, I almost got in knockdown drag out fights defending the honors of Ben, Reese and Joaquin.)

My therapist said to me yesterday, “Never explain, because your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it.”  I have always been one to overexplain, especially when I am passionate about said subject.  However, in this case, I am keenly aware that my job with the Enneagram is to do just the opposite.  I have to allow people to come to the Enneagram in their own time, in their own way.  And the most important thing for me is to practice what I preach, not to cheapen the power of the Enneagram by making it a parlor game. 

The Enneagram is more than just a cool identification of different personality types.  It truly can be used towards spiritual growth and self-development.  It is useful in letting go of old patterns to which we’ve long been slaves.  I suppose all we can do when we are enlivened by something is to lead by example, let our actions speak louder than our words.   

Decomposing from the Holidays

My mom, my sister and I were discussing the Enneagram and the types of our loved ones over the Christmas holiday.  My dad, Gary, is a Three and so is my Aunt Janet, my mom’s sister.  Remarking how surprised she was that both her husband and her sister were the same number, my mom said, “Gary can relax from doing, but I don’t see Janet ever really slowing down.”  That is typical of threes, they are constantly doing, gaining their sense of self worth through their tasks, actions and achievements.  The beautiful thing about the Enneagram is that two people of the same type don’t necessarily look alike.  They can have a stronger wing on one side of them than the other; they can more frequently access one of their connection points.  And most importantly, your type is not who you are, your type is an adaptive strategy that you developed at a young age, it is the motivation behind your actions, it is the pair of glasses through which you see the world.  After explaining this all to my mom and my sister, she said, “Actually, now that I think about it, Janet does come home after a long day at work, go to her room, put on ‘Young and the Restless’ and just decompose.”  There was a pause, us girls not sure just what sounded wrong, and then my mom said, “Wait, is that right?  Decompose?”  And I said, “I think you mean decompress!”  Laughter ensued.

I feel a bit like I am decomposing from the holidays, all the sugar breaking down my teeth, the rich foods gathering around my belly, puffiness around my eyes.  I had a wonderful Christmas break, complete with seeing almost all of my family and my beau, Michael’s family.  But for the past two days, since returning to New York, I have been a decomposing lump on a log, not really wanting to get up off the couch or stop watching television.  Overwhelm is setting in, a bit, New Year’s Day looming over my head.  I have so many goals and hopes and dreams for this New Year, wanting it to be the best year yet.  And yet, I am setting myself up for failure before the New Year has even begun, putting expectations on myself that are so high, I am bound to fail. 

I am an avid journalist, and yesterday I was looking back in past journals to see what I wrote as my New Year Resolutions for 2012.  What surprised me as I flipped through the pages of journals from 2007, 2009, 2010, 2011, was the circular nature of my musings.  In some senses, I have wanted the same things since I was a little girl.  For me, they have to do with implicit self-care, looking and feeling my best, and with my career, being able to really shine and express myself, to have the opportunity to work on beautiful moving pieces. 

No matter what type we are, we all have patterns and grooves on how we deal with the wonderful, intense, overwhelm of the holidays.  And most likely, in our New Year’s Resolutions, we are reminded of the things we have always wanted for ourselves.  What type are you?  How do you decompress from the holidays and how do you prepare for a New Year?  What are your New Year’s Resolutions?  Do you see any patterns in them?  Please share your thoughts in the comments below.

Freeing the Lion

Astrologically speaking, I am a Leo.  A Leo I, to be exact, I was born in the Week of Authority.  I have always loved lions and legitimately try to fashion my hair like a lion’s illustrious mane.  And the idea of authority has always been a puzzle to me.  I am deeply respectful of teachers, healers and mentors who are in positions of authority, often blindly bowing to the answers they seem to provide.  However, I have struggled with finding and respecting the authority within, failing to trust my own internal compass, and sense of knowing.  It is difficult to have faith in oneself when you are in the grips of the roar of the inner critic.  For symbolic purpose, I will hereby refer to my inner critic as a lion.  Its characteristics are similar to that of a lion, being strong, powerful and fierce.  And boy, has its roar been loud lately!  So loud, that it has made my essential self ever smaller, to the size of a little mouse.

As a Four, one of my greatest strengths and alternately my greatest weakness is my romantic idealism.  I have incredibly high hopes, high expectations, high ideals, and high romantic visions.  They are so high that they all live above me, in a Kingdom of my own creation, nestled sweetly and safely on a cloud.  I love that Kingdom on a cloud.  I love to look at it and wistfully dream about the one day that I will live there.

A challenge that I have been experiencing, as of late, is questioning on whether I will ever get to those dreams in the sky.  I try to set goals that would be like stepping stones, or Jack’s beanstalk, carrying me little by little up to that pristine palace of romantic vision.  To set goals is not difficult for me.  In fact, they become their very own little castles. 

Let me be specific, a goal I am currently trying achieve is to create a self-care routine that I can commit to on a consistent basis.  It’s a beautiful goal I have for myself, one that includes treating myself with love and respect.  In this dream of a goal, I would be implicitly healthy.  I would wake up early in the morning, excited to meet my day.  I would have a practice of meditation, and gratitude and prayer, being thankful for all that God and the Universe has given to me.  I would treat my body like a goddess, feeding it only those foods that are most life affirming and nutritious.  I would go for long jogs in the park, able to clear my head of negative thoughts.  I would practice yoga, feeling the strength and length of my beautiful body.  I would go for dance classes, feeling free and having fun while letting my heart beat fast.  Oh, this goal of self-care is so beautiful.  But oh, to get there seems so impossible.

So, I have carefully constructed this goal, this dream.  It is pure and untouched and full of endless hope and possibility.  I stand outside of the castled creation, a little mouse underneath the drawbridge door, waiting for it to lower so I can enter.  The lion stands beside me, berating me with its critiques.  Every step I take, the door recedes, eluding my small efforts.  The lion roars loader, taunting me, tearing me down with its claws.  “You are worthless.  You are nothing.  You have no willpower.  You have no strength or courage.  You’ll never achieve what you want.  You’ll never be who you want to be.  You might as well give up.”  And on and on he growls.  The fire of his roar is singeing my little mouse body and I feel completely and utterly useless and powerless. 

I am reminded of the Aesop’s Fable, The Lion and the Mouse.  It was the mouse that rescued the lion from the hunter’s snare, by slowly nibbling away at the ropes, ultimately freeing the lion.  Inspired by the strength that this tiny creature exhibited, I looked up the symbolism of the mouse, and what I found was quite amazing.  The mouse is a symbol of trust in the Divine, of humility and simplicity and gentleness.  It is the mouse that is able to break a large problem (or goal) into smaller pieces and deal with one part at a time, slowly but surely, achieving its goal.

I know my lion has a purpose.  I know its roar comes from a frustration, of wanting to be free, so that I can be my best self.  It is instructing me on what it is that I really want and long for, on what is important to me and why.  In some way, it is encouraging me not to give up.  And I can use the gentleness of the mouse to assuage the lion’s fear and to free it from its ropes of imprisonment.  Not to be crippled by the lion’s grip, or reduced to a puddle of shame by the lion’s shadow, but to treat my inner critic with compassion, as I go about my merry way, taking my sweet time, of slowly and deliciously nibbling towards my dream.  Maybe it won’t be as fast as I want it to be, maybe it won’t be as grandiose as I imagine it to be, but I know for sure, if I can free that lion from off my back, I’ll get there one way or another.

Be. Still.

Growing up my dad use to say that when either one of my four siblings or I was being rambunctious…in car rides, on the sofa, at the dinner table, “Be. Still.”  It always annoyed me because it was usually when we were just having a good time, laughing, and being silly. 

Yesterday, I pulled the muscle located on my right side, somewhere midway between my shoulder, and all the way up my neck.  I returned from the Enneagram Intensive last Thursday night and since I’d been back, I’d been go-go-going.  Creating this blog, setting up an accompanying Facebook and Twitter account.  I’d been reconnecting with my beau, with my friends.  I am doing Dallas Travers “Actors Business Breakthrough,” an Eight Week Tele-course designed to help actors break through whatever current blocks they are facing.  I’ve been trying to incorporate all that I learned in my Enneagram Intensive: meditation, staying with myself when I feel reactive, eating healthy, exercising, etc. 

Occasionally, I get stuck in old familiar loop patterns.  I loop back around to the place where I feel anxious about where I am on my path.  I play the “should game.”  I should get another agent.  Should I quit acting?  Should I go back to my restaurant job?  Should I eat this or eat that?  Should I wake up earlier so I can meditate?  Should I?  Should I?  Should I?  It’s gosh-darn crippling!

So…it’s no big surprise that with all my striving, aspiring, trying, that a part of my body just pulled back and insisted.  “No.  Just slow down. “  I recalled my dad’s voice, “Be.  Still.”

Ah!  What a relief it was!  To lie down on the couch yesterday as the Nor’easter tore its way through New York’s still-recovering streets.  To watch “The Good Wife” on television while feeling the warmth of a heating pad on my back...to dismount that hamster wheel of my own creation. 

The ironic thing is, if I learned anything at all from my Enneagram Intensive, it was be still.  Stay with you.  Breathe into your belly.  Receive.  We are a nation of strivers and doers.  We are slaves to our egos.  We praise those in our culture who can multi-task the most, who can make the most money by being workaholics, who put so much of their energy out into the world that they are left as depleted shells of their former selves.

I don’t want that.  I want to be awake and present to my life.  Yes, I want to support myself financially.  I want to make a difference in this world.  I want to give freely with the gifts I’ve received.  But there has to be a balance.  I was taught this past week, that we cannot have a spiritual experience unless we allow ourselves to receive.

I’m not sure what my next move will be.  For today, I am just going to be still.

“Make your ego porous.  Will is of little importance, complaining is nothing, fame is nothing.  Openness, patience, receptivity, solitude is everything.”  -Rainer Maria Rilke