Divine Forgiveness

"To err is human; to forgive, divine."

 - Alexander Pope

           Wednesday night I was working at my restaurant job, waiting tables.  I had been off for several days, and in those days my boyfriend and I had visited my family in Charlottesville, and I had a belated birthday celebration with eight of my girlfriends.  I was ready to get back to work and I was also ready to be a little more disciplined.  After having spent the majority of the summer, indulging in wine and rich foods, my jeans no longer fitting comfortably, I was also ready to go on a healthy eating regimen.  My boyfriend, Michael, and I decided we would do without alcohol, the beloved sugar in our morning coffee, and eat more whole grains, greens and lean protein. 

            So, Wednesday, we began our new diet, I went to therapy in the morning, I took my first run around Central Park after a long time, and on my subway trips I was reading Helen Palmer’s The Enneagram.  Now, back to my serving shift.  I had focused on so many things that day, trying to change big habits in one fell swoop (I’ve never been good at baby steps), that by the time I got to the restaurant I could barely see what was in front of me. 

            It started as awkwardness, so stuck in my thoughts I was, that when I would try to speak to the guests, it came out fumbling and flustered.  It was a very busy night, with 300 guests on the books, so I told myself, “Liz, you better get your sh*t together!”  I did and I went into turbo speed.  Obsessed with pushing forward out of this unfocused, awkward state, I did my job and others jobs (helping open dozens of wine bottles, running people’s drinks, clearing, and remarking, and taking orders).  This is not to say other people weren’t doing their jobs, they were, but it was a busy night, so we all needed to pitch in.

            In the hurricane of my forced attempts, when I went to put in the order for a table of four as three lobsters and one halibut, I put instead three halibuts and one lobster.  This may not sound like such a big deal, and in the grand scheme of things it isn’t.  But, when the kitchen is trying to churn out over 300 meals, that mistake can set them majorly back.  It’s a domino effect.

            There was a surge of heat that filled up my body.  Burning tears brimmed at my eyes.  I was furious with myself!  How could I have done that?  Where was my head?  (In the clouds, for sure.)  I went to the table and took the blame and apologized profusely.  They were lovely, assured me that it was not a problem, the two couples had not seen each other for eight years and they were enjoying catching up.  I told them, “I don’t know what happened.  I am known as the waitress who doesn’t make mistakes!”  Promptly, the older gentleman said, “I make mistakes all the time, everybody does.” 

Wow.  That stopped me dead in my tracks.  He was right: everybody makes mistakes.  I realized that I had been so hard on myself, pushing myself and pressing myself further, that I had worked myself into a tizzy.  I slowed down, apologized to my manager and chef, and tried to get through the rest of my shift as gracefully as possible.

The next morning, on Thursday, I sat down to meditate.  When I asked my heart for a word, it said “forgiveness.”  It was the perfect word I needed to hear.  In the Enneagram, we all have different foci of attention.  As a four, my Focus is on what is missing or what I lack.  It is incredibly easy for me to see all the ways that I am deficient or not whole.  I can also go to my resource point of One, whose attention is on improvement, and seeing things as right versus wrong.  Under stress, I go to Two, whose attention is on meeting others needs (and as a byproduct neglecting one’s own).  Once you understand your Enneagram type, and where your focus of attention naturally goes, you have a choice whether or not to play out that fixation, or have some distance from it.

It is easy to not forgive yourself if you are in the grips of your personality.  All you see is what is not measuring up.  It’s as if you have the potential to see the world from 360 degrees, but instead all you see is 40 percent of it.  When you are able to take a step back, you can see more clearly the whole picture, and like the glass is both half-full and half-empty, there are more ways than one to see that picture. 

Forgiveness is an incredibly hard concept to grasp and put into practice.  Forgiveness implies grace, self-awareness and self-acceptance.  If we can forgive ourselves first, we can certainly forgive others more easily.  Seems like a worthy pursuit, doesn’t it?

What ways are you hard on yourself?  How do you forgive yourself?  What type are you and where does your focus of attention go?  Please leave a comment so we can get this conversation going!  And feel free to share or like this blog with friends!

I Get By with a Little Help from my Friends

            While I was in California in July, visiting two of my best friends from childhood, Stef and Lauren, I had a mini-meltdown in the car ride down from San Francisco to Santa Barbara for Stef’s bachelorette weekend on my 32^nd birthday.  The reason for the meltdown?  Well, I did have major PMS, so I can always use that as an excuse, but it’s also because my Type Four vice of Envy was in full effect, leading me to destructive patterns of comparison and leaving me feeling inadequate.  The topic?  Self-care. 

The few days before our car trip, I stayed with Stef and Lauren and got to witness first hand some of their habits.  I became very aware of how well they were taking care of themselves physically, in regards to exercising and eating healthily.  Being far from routine myself, in the past several months, I have not adhered to any specific regimen. 

            What struck me, was how they had made certain healthful practices habitual, and how they made those practices a priority.  Stef had a yoga studio nearby with favorite teachers that she liked to frequent.  Lauren went on runs in Palo Alto before getting her workday started.  They both ate a lot of quinoa and vegetables, said “no” to the mid-week glass of wine, and in general listened to what would make their bodies feel good.

            Boy, my envy began raging.  I, too, want to have a regimen of self-care that I prioritize!  And yet, I feel so far away from that.  In times of stress, when I go to my resource point of Type Two, I match my loved ones.  I do what they do, when they do it.  I eat what they eat, I time how long it takes me to do something with how long they do it.  I guess you could also say, I become co-dependent. 

            I was so envious, and almost mad, that Stef and Lauren were able to hold a space for their own process.  Even though I was in town, Stef opted for a yoga class to clear her anxious head, instead of meeting me for an indulgent shopping trip.  Lauren woke up early to ensure she'd have time to run, while I lazed sleepily in bed.

            (I realize, now that I’m writing this, that I may seem overly hard on myself, perhaps.  That is familiar territory for me, and an aspect I am trying to treat gently.)

            So, back to the car ride melt down.  I wanted to snack on things that are bad for you, like Doritos and Diet Coke and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups!  I wanted to do the whole Road Trip Wasteland Diet (not a real diet, I just made that up).  But, still, in the car, Stef had yummy, but healthy snacks from Trader Joe’s: fruit leather, and flax seed corn chips. 

            I began to take it personally, like their eating and their regimen was a direct reflection on me.  I also thought that it meant that they must be judging my habits of neglect, my choices to lounge on the couch over taking a yoga class, to sip wine with sushi on a Monday night.  Then, my idealistic Four mind chirped in and wanted to be that perfect specimen, who is glowing and thin and beautiful, who adheres to healthy habits, who listens and meets her own needs.  And I just broke.

            What was so awesome, is that Stef and Lauren just let me cry it out, and whine a little bit.  They held a space for me.  They encouraged me.  And they assured me that I was beautiful and perfect just the way I am, and that their only wish is for me to be happy.  They explained that they did what they needed to do to take care of themselves, and that, in no way, means they are judging me and my choices.

            It felt nice to get that all out, to let my perceived “ugly” thoughts and feelings have space to breathe.  It’s nice because now I have compassion for myself through all steps of that process of realization.  In the Enneagram, your type, or ego structure can really take over if you are overly identified with it.  And reactivity, which is what I was experiencing, though conceivably messy and uncomfortable, can also point you to the way of growth.  By acknowledging my feelings of inadequacy and envy, I am able to appreciate Stef and Lauren’s ability to take care of themselves, and know that that’s something I would like for myself.  But I am also, able to cut myself some slack, and come to terms with the perfectly imperfect being that I am. 

Befriending the Shadow

“Is this not enough?  This blessed sip of life, is it not enough?  Staring down at the ground.  Oh, then complain and pray more from above, you greedy little pig.”

-from the song “Pig” by Dave Matthews Band

This may seem like a very anti-spiritual quote to open with, referring to one as a “greedy little pig.”  And, I certainly am not condoning that kind of disparaging talk.  It reminds me of when Alec Baldwin called his young daughter a pig on that widely publicized raging tantrum he had on her voicemail. 

So, to be perfectly clear, I am not calling you or myself or anyone a greedy little pig.  And yet, I would like to discuss issues that resonate in this very short lyric from one of my favorite Dave Matthews Band songs, “Pig.”  Yes, I still love Dave Matthews. 

This past week I’ve been struggling with a few key issues.  I work at a beautiful award-winning restaurant with delicious organic farm-to-table food in a stunning ethereal atmosphere serving food to all sorts of New York movers and shakers.  Nothing to complain about, really.  Except for the fact that it is a “survival” job.  Therefore, complaints seem to go with the territory. 

There are many other ways that I would prefer to spend my time and energy, and ways that I would prefer to support myself financially.  Honestly, if I could get paid to delve into the depths of my psyche, I would gladly do so and probably be a millionaire by now. 

I worked a lot this week, that coupled with the fact that I was experiencing raging PMS hormones, in addition to not being able to have a night alone with my sweetie, all made way for some serious darkness to emerge from the depths of my soul. 

I don’t like darkness.  I’ve been trying to become friends with my shadow.  I’ve slowly made my approach to that unknown part of myself through reading the brilliant writings of the late Debbie Ford in her book “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers,” in addition to “Owning YourOwn Shadow” by Robert A. Johnson.

But boy, did my shadow side come out with a vengeance this week.  When I was at my job, I was working myself up in to such a frenzy, such a tizzy, that I nearly made myself sick.  My thoughts were the rants of a 4 year old who wasn’t getting what she wanted.  “I don’t want to be here!  I want to be at home!  I want to hang out with my boyfriend!  I want to stay on the couch!  I want to watch T.V.!  I want to eat chocolate!  I don’t want to work!  I want to play!  I want to draw!  I want to do fun stuff!  Leave me alone!  I’m mad!”  Then another part of me, my superego as Freud might call it, chimed in.  “How dare you!  You greedy little pig!  Don’t you realize that you are creating this suffering for yourself?  Suffering is resisting what is.  So, you might as well stop fighting what is.  If you were meant to be anywhere else, you would be there.  But you’re here, so get used to it, accept it and move forward.  And if you do this and are a good little girl, then and only then, maybe the universe will reward you for your good behavior.”

Yep.  That was pretty much the conversation I had with myself.  So, here’s the deal.  Both of those views are valid.  And it’s important to not fight either side, but really to let all the parts of me exist and have their say.  And instead of being judgmental or shaming or calling myself a greedy little pig, I have to invite compassion to the conversation.  I have to let it be okay to want more for myself, to want more from the way I spend my time and energy.  And yet, I have to give myself credit for doing the best I can do, and also to show gratitude for all that I do have and all that I am.

I put so much pressure on myself to be this light-filled being, above the trials and petty concerns that bog us down as human beings.  And yet, if I don’t allow my darkness, my shadow, to co-exist with my all-knowing angelic side I am closing myself off to real, true, deep love and compassion for myself and others, ultimately cutting myself off from the beauty and privilege of existence. 

If any of what I’ve written resonates with you, please share a comment below.  I’d love to hear your thoughts and begin a conversation!

Slow Down, You Move Too Fast

Well, I finally did it.  I meditated.  For ten minutes.  After wanting, planning and hoping to do so, I did it.  And it was wonderful!  It’s hard to turn off the mind, and I didn’t exactly do that.  But I slowed down.  I could feel the tightness, like a drum, in my belly, the pull of my hip flexors, the spread of muscles shining out of my spine.  I saw images.  I asked for clarity surrounding my pursuits.

I have been pursuing a career as an actress for my entire adult life and I am stuck.  I, who once prided myself on being optimistic and innocent almost to a fault, have become disillusioned.  I don’t know what step to take next or how, or if I am even willing to do so.  As I was meditating, I asked for guidance on this conundrum, and I imagined being at the bottom of a well, with dirt so tightly compacted around me that it felt as if I was suffocating.  Breathing and feeling the stifling grip of the earth, I tried to relax into it.  Slowly, its claws loosened and I had a bit more room to be.  The path before me seemed a little less foggy.

I asked my heart for a word, as I was taught by my Enneagram mentor, Sandra.  She says if you ask your heart for a word, it will only come from a place of love.  If you get an unkind word, you know it’s not really your heart speaking to you.  So, my heart first said “key” and then it said “soften.”  And I knew what that meant.  Compassion.

It means I must soften my heart in order to unlock it.  I could feel the tightness, like vines, covering up my heart, trying to protect it.  For as long as I can remember I have been incredibly hard on myself.  I want too much from myself, I push myself past my boundaries, and limits.  I berate myself for not being good enough, for failing, for being human. 

Yesterday, I felt particularly stressed.  Beginning my morning with immediately trying to put myself out there, getting online, trying to reach for something, giving away my power, by 10am I felt exhausted.  I was frustrated, angry, annoyed, mad, tired, and upset.  Over what?  Nothing in particular.  It was mainly because I was not present.  It felt like someone was behind me, pushing me towards some end goal, some product, and I was clamoring and tripping over myself trying to get there.  I think I was pissed at that bully who was forcing me to be somewhere that I wasn’t.

I didn’t like that feeling, that stress, that overwhelm of the mind, that disconnection from the body.  And that is what led me to start my day a little differently this morning.  When I opened my eyes from my ten-minute meditation, I could see in real time what was in front of me.  The flickering of my Lavender Vanilla candle flame, the blueness of the sky juxtaposed with the rust red of the roof across the street.  My breathing had slowed down and it felt just a little easier to take the next step. 

This, I suppose, is the gift of meditation.  We are so over-stimulated in this uber technological age.  We have more on our plates than ever.  We are constantly feeling behind, or too much, or not good enough.  I hope to be able to give myself this gift every morning. 

If any of what I’ve written resonates with you, please share a comment below.  I’d love to hear your thoughts and begin a conversation!

Struggle between Selves

“One law of our souls is that if we are present to our here-and-now experience with an open and fresh attitude of curiosity and inquiry into the contents of our consciousness, our experience will rapidly deepen.”

“We cannot make ourselves change, just as we cannot make ourselves feel love for someone we don’t care about.  Change does not happen through our own efforts.  No one has ever made themselves or anyone else change.  But our efforts can orient our consciousness in such a way that transformation is more likely. “

-From The Enneagram of Passions and Virtues by Sandra Maitri

I read a lot of self-help books.  Why?  Because I have a desire to be better, and I guess I hope that by reading these books I will be able to change into this better person.  It’s not that easy.  I have the awareness of what I could do to make myself better, but I don’t always have the willingness to do the necessary actions. 

Let’s take meditation for example.  For several weeks, even months, I have had the idea of starting my mornings with meditation.  In this romantic vision, I wake up with that sense of curiosity and presence possessed by children.  I open the window, sit on a comfortable cushion in a designated meditation spot, light a candle, set my Insight timer for twenty minutes, close my eyes and meditate. 

Have I even once done this?  No.  Why do I want to?  For several reasons...  One, I feel like overall I will be a happier, more peaceful, more enlightened person if I do this.  Two, I think that I will be perceived by others to be a happier, more peaceful, more enlightened person if I do this.  Three, I have an idea that it will give me a sense of purpose.  Four, I believe that if I start my day this way, connecting with “presence” I will have an easier time achieving my goals.  

So, why don’t I?  I don’t have many good answers.  I have some not-so-good excuses.  There is resistance, of course, as Steven Pressfield writes so beautifully about in his book, The War of Art.  The quote above from Sandra Maitri is also somewhat comforting, though I don’t think it fits exactly with this problem.  It is possible to make an effort to do something.

 What is coming to my mind is the struggle between the IDEAL SELF versus the PERCEIVED SELF versus the TRUE SELF.  My ideal self meditates every day.  My perceived self doesn’t have faith that I am capable of committing to meditating every day.  And most importantly, my true self is buried beneath the two, so that she is very difficult to access.

It’s all a process, part of the journey.  One reason I love the Enneagram is that it helps me get a little closer to uncovering the true self. 

What is your experience?  Do you have a sense of the struggle between the ideal, perceived and true selves?  Are you able to make an effort to meditate every day, or do some other activity that you believe will be soul-enhancing?  Please share your comments in the space below. 

Actions Speak Louder than Words

It’s hard not to use the Enneagram as a fun party trick.  I’ve done it.  I may, at times, continue to do it.  It can hold the same power as really good gossip.  Being a one-to-one Four, I don’t always thrive in holding court in larger social groups.  I feel much more comfortable getting down to the nitty-gritty with just one person.  And so, as a default, I seek to bring a unifying piece of information to bring together the disparate social crowd.  Afraid that I may miss out of some conversation that is going on elsewhere, or fearful that I may be left out, I often take my place regaling everyone with some entertaining story, trying my best to hold everybody’s undivided attention.  Add to that my newfound love of the Enneagram, and you can see how it can get dicey.

I love the Enneagram.  I think it is endlessly fascinating.  There is still so much for me to learn about it, and I still have trouble explaining the complex system to people who have never heard about it.  I am aware that it can sound like some New Age-y, hokey, Self-Help juju.  So, I try to make it accessible, I try to hook people onto it.  Because, frankly, I believe in this system wholeheartedly, it resonates to my very core.  And when you’re passionate about something, you, of course, want to shout it from the mountaintops.  (In the same regard, I have tried to convince people of the merits of Ben Harper’s music, or the magical performances by Reese Witherspoon and Joaquin Phoenix in Walk the Line.  Full disclosure, in those last two instances, I almost got in knockdown drag out fights defending the honors of Ben, Reese and Joaquin.)

My therapist said to me yesterday, “Never explain, because your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it.”  I have always been one to overexplain, especially when I am passionate about said subject.  However, in this case, I am keenly aware that my job with the Enneagram is to do just the opposite.  I have to allow people to come to the Enneagram in their own time, in their own way.  And the most important thing for me is to practice what I preach, not to cheapen the power of the Enneagram by making it a parlor game. 

The Enneagram is more than just a cool identification of different personality types.  It truly can be used towards spiritual growth and self-development.  It is useful in letting go of old patterns to which we’ve long been slaves.  I suppose all we can do when we are enlivened by something is to lead by example, let our actions speak louder than our words.   

Decomposing from the Holidays

My mom, my sister and I were discussing the Enneagram and the types of our loved ones over the Christmas holiday.  My dad, Gary, is a Three and so is my Aunt Janet, my mom’s sister.  Remarking how surprised she was that both her husband and her sister were the same number, my mom said, “Gary can relax from doing, but I don’t see Janet ever really slowing down.”  That is typical of threes, they are constantly doing, gaining their sense of self worth through their tasks, actions and achievements.  The beautiful thing about the Enneagram is that two people of the same type don’t necessarily look alike.  They can have a stronger wing on one side of them than the other; they can more frequently access one of their connection points.  And most importantly, your type is not who you are, your type is an adaptive strategy that you developed at a young age, it is the motivation behind your actions, it is the pair of glasses through which you see the world.  After explaining this all to my mom and my sister, she said, “Actually, now that I think about it, Janet does come home after a long day at work, go to her room, put on ‘Young and the Restless’ and just decompose.”  There was a pause, us girls not sure just what sounded wrong, and then my mom said, “Wait, is that right?  Decompose?”  And I said, “I think you mean decompress!”  Laughter ensued.

I feel a bit like I am decomposing from the holidays, all the sugar breaking down my teeth, the rich foods gathering around my belly, puffiness around my eyes.  I had a wonderful Christmas break, complete with seeing almost all of my family and my beau, Michael’s family.  But for the past two days, since returning to New York, I have been a decomposing lump on a log, not really wanting to get up off the couch or stop watching television.  Overwhelm is setting in, a bit, New Year’s Day looming over my head.  I have so many goals and hopes and dreams for this New Year, wanting it to be the best year yet.  And yet, I am setting myself up for failure before the New Year has even begun, putting expectations on myself that are so high, I am bound to fail. 

I am an avid journalist, and yesterday I was looking back in past journals to see what I wrote as my New Year Resolutions for 2012.  What surprised me as I flipped through the pages of journals from 2007, 2009, 2010, 2011, was the circular nature of my musings.  In some senses, I have wanted the same things since I was a little girl.  For me, they have to do with implicit self-care, looking and feeling my best, and with my career, being able to really shine and express myself, to have the opportunity to work on beautiful moving pieces. 

No matter what type we are, we all have patterns and grooves on how we deal with the wonderful, intense, overwhelm of the holidays.  And most likely, in our New Year’s Resolutions, we are reminded of the things we have always wanted for ourselves.  What type are you?  How do you decompress from the holidays and how do you prepare for a New Year?  What are your New Year’s Resolutions?  Do you see any patterns in them?  Please share your thoughts in the comments below.